I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
