can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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