I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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