cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
