I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
