Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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