He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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