I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize