I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
