I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
is wine microwaveable?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
