How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
