Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize