Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
