Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
