5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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