I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
