She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
