I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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