My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
