I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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