Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
