Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
