You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
