Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize