i was rollin on her like bob the builder
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
