Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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