it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
