he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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