I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
