You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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