Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
