The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
