Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
