Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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