YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
