He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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