I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
