I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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