I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize