guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
