fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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