Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
