he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
