and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
