i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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