I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
