i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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