Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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