I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
