So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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