I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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