he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
