I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
