You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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