Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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