I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
