The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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