Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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