I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
