i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
