I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I love having hate sex.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
