Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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