fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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