I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
