I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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